


Lost cause

by Deth



Category: Homestuck
Genre: A lot of these ships are either simply mentioned or no longer in play, Alien Biology, Alien Culture, Alien Invasion, But the aliens are losing, F/F, F/M, Guerrilla Warfare, Humans Are Gods, Humans are the bad guys here, Kidnapping, M/M, Nobody is Dead, Other, yet - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:02:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27134963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deth/pseuds/Deth
Summary: It is a well-known fact that trolls are the conquerors of the universe. They destroy and consume all who come in the path for conquest. One day, they come across a blue planet far far away and make the dire mistake to try and invade it. They nearly lose half their fleet trying to fend off the eight Gods that guard it.The remaining troll leaders now have to decide how the fuck they're going to kill off the human race, or at the very least prevent them from coming after Alternia itself.
Relationships: Eridan Ampora/Gamzee Makara, Gamzee Makara/Tavros Nitram, Kanaya Maryam & Karkat Vantas, Kanaya Maryam/Equius Zahhak, Kanaya Maryam/Vriska Serket, Nepeta Leijon/Terezi Pyrope, Sollux Captor & Karkat Vantas, Sollux Captor/Aradia Megido, Terezi Pyrope & Vriska Serket
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Lost cause

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat has gone through his whole life thinking he would be culled when he grew up. By some fucked up miracle he is not and becomes a threshie like he'd always dreamed of. The catch is that he's gotta go fight on an alien planet against actual gods.

> Karkat: Be culled for CRIMES AGAINST THE EMPIRE

Fuck that. And fuck you. You’re trying your best here okay?  
You've spent your entire life waiting for the other strut pod attachment to drop. For your horns to be snapped off and crunched on by some shitty clown. To be ripped apart and be eaten alive by the very beloved Condesce herself. You're a mutant. You're supposed to be culled for crimes against the empire. You get that. Your mutant status in fact emplores you to be culled on sight. And yet, here you are!  


There seems to have been some technical difficulties with the drones, as they have not culled you the second you looked their way. Not even when you were sporting your flashy new adult BRIGHT RED IRISES, nor when you even cut your arm and waved straight at its face for good measure. You did it all.  


And yet, due to some sort of miraculous fuck up, you are (unfortunately) still alive and breathing. All grown up and ready for conscription. You're officially an adult, on a ship and ready to go kill some aliens. Unfortunately, being CULLED FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST THE EMPIRE is going to have to wait. You’ll see what you can do in the meanwhile.  


"Cull me now!" You yell and kick at the pod. The pod itself had done nothing to you, but it sure as hell is going to pay. You have your doubts anyone's gonna hear you through this thing; there are a lot of other voices chirping away to each other like a bunch of fucking featherbeasts, so you feel more than welcome to throw your fit like you've never even moulted in the first place.  


"Sure, just gimme a fucking second, Vantas." A snarky muffled lisp can be heard through the dense rusty walls of the pod you’re stuck in. Fucking Sollux heard you. Of course he did.  


"Shut up and keep typing, you intolerable freak. Neither of us are supposed to be breathing right now and I want answers!" You snark back. You did not go through hell and back just to get stuck in a pod next to your ex-kismesis, in the same godforsaken conscription ship. You'd swear this is all his fault. He fucked around with the code to avoid getting plugged into a ship (you kinda really wish he did, but not like you'd tell him that) and now you're both stuck here. He's currently digging through some files, the very few files he can manage to crack, but it sounds like the code is extra secure, even for him. It's strange, needless to say. This whole situation is strange, and you have no clue what you're meant to do now. You weren't planning on living the rest of your life.

You were so ready for it to end. You broke off your ties. You said your goodbyes. You buried your dreams. But now... it just won't stop.  
You groan and pinch the bridge of your nose, hoping to avert the sting at your eyes. You shift and move and fuss around. This pod is too small. It’s not like you were going to get any luxury, but the design of this thing is so fucking ancient you’re pretty sure your own bastard ancestor could’ve died in this thing. Sure smells like it. Not that you believe in ancestry but whatever the fuck.

The wait gets so grating counting down the minutes, and Sollux doesn’t seem too keen on alleviating the radio silence. Eventually, you decide you might as well bite the primitive weapon ammunition and take a peek outside, as it would probably be beneficial to take a look at the place you’ll potentially be spending the rest of the next sweep or so on. Might get fucked over if someone looks too closely at your eyes, but you don’t have it in you to care at the moment. Everything’s been such a blur lately, you’re sure this will whir by just as motionlessly.  


You squirm and shift around so you can flip yourself for your head to be where your feet were. You hit your head a few times, but get there with mild irritation. They seemed to have designed these things with the most inconvenient of manoeuvrabilities. You press the unlock button, but not before muttering an unnecessary amount of ‘fuck’ words.  


You flinch and squint at the light as the black tinted shield of glass slides away. It’s probably not all that bright, but being stuck inside this tiny thing for so long, with only the light of the built-in husk top to give you company sure does have its downsides. It was so dark in here, at first you really did think you were dead. But then your eyes adjusted and saw it for what it really was. An outdated conscription pod with the most unwelcoming design. The noise seems to amplify tenfold and you are greeted to a sight of a seemingly infinite row of identical pods upon pods, each with their resident poking their heads out and conversing at an obnoxious volume.  


Naturally, decor is minimal, each pod hexagonal with only a few glowing buttons and numbers and wires and whatnot identically placed on each pod. Just like yours, the design is outdated; everything seems mechanically made with metal instead of organically grown, and hardly anything seems to be up to modern standards. It's like a fucking museum trip, but with only the ugly architecture to show. At least they seem to have had the basic decency to provide everyone with modern organic palm husks, but it's still so jarring. It feels like you've been thrown into some outdated film. Some of the lights flicker, and some are straight-up busted. It makes for some pretty ominous lighting. You thought the rom-coms were exaggerating, but no. The contrast of the light and dark really does look that intense.  


Among the wayward frayed wires and floating serf bots, there are quite a few trolls like you poking their heads out and chatting up a storm with their neighbours. A lot of them look groggy and tired, like they've only recently woken up. Seems like everyone's only been awake for a few hours, so you feel content knowing you're not the only one who's feeling like you woke up on the wrong side of the ‘coon (There isn’t any slime in here in the first place. You suspect they went for the cheap spray to cut the costs but damn if you aren’t upset about that too.). Some of the others, namely psionics of either burgundy or yellow are floating around, free to talk to whoever else. Sollux isn't the only freak they spared.  


As expected you find yourself smack dab in the middle of a long row of conscript pods. You look down and regret it with the shrill drop in your stomach. Yeah. You’d probably die if you fell off from here. There are ladders built in to the side, but you don't feel like exploring this shit hole so soon. You tuck your head back inside. You keep the door open though, eager for some air that isn't recycled from in here.  


You must be on a recruit ship. You must be, right? You don't think culling ships are a thing, unless they are, in which case, you would not be surprised, though you do not think they would kill Sollux. That would be a massive waste of energy. So would some of the rest of them. None of those outside looked to be any colour above olive, but there were a few powerful-looking psionics.  


Inevitably, you find yourself thinking back to your friends. You wonder if any of the others made it. You know you weren't planning on talking to them ever again... but you can't seem to help yourself.  


You grab at your husktop and start tapping away. You’d admittedly just been staring at your ID profile the whole time trying and failing to ignore the jarring MUTANT tag they placed at blood colour. It freaks you the fuck out. They know. They know and they're shoving it in your face but they don't fucking explain a damned thing.  
With a few taps you manage to find Trollian, and curiously enough, you find that your trollhandle still works. The interface is slightly different, but you suppose they’d have to move it from Alternia's network to be able to work on intergalactic levels. They seem to have the decency in them not delete it in its entirety.  


You find a myriad of troll handles you recognise. Not even one is greyed out or missing. So... They all made it? Nobody got culled? You decide not to hope just yet. Everything so far has been just a little too good to be true lately. There's no way... There's just no fucking way...

-

carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened a memo on board  I CANT FUCKING BELIEVE IT

CG: AMAZING.

CG: THIS IS FUCKING INCREDIBLE. NOT ONLY HAVE I THE DISPLEASURE OF WAKING UP TO FIND MYSELF IN FACT, NOT ON THE BAD END OF A CULLING FORK, BUT I ALSO HAVE THE EVEN GREATER DISPLEASURE OF KNOWING NONE OF YOU FUCKING FREAKS ARE EITHER. WHAT THE FUCK. 

CG: YOU’RE ALL ALIVE, RIGHT?

GC: 1 SUR3 4M >8]

AA: yup! I’m here 0u0

GA: Hello Everyone I Hope You’re All Well

CG: HOLY FUCK EVEN YOU’RE HERE?

GA: So It Would Seem. I Am Just As Confused

CG: THAT MAKES TWO OF US. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE CULLED. I GUESS FUCKING NOT. I DONT SUPPOSE ANY OF YOU WOULD KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

CA: hey

CG: NOBODY ASKED YOU AMPORA

CA: Asshole I’m just here to givve you a greetin is that so bad

CG: CONSIDERING THE LAST TIME I ALLOWED YOU TO REMAIN UNBLOCKED ON A MEMO YEAH, IT REALLY IS SO BAD

GA: Just Let Him Be Karkat. It’s All Over Now.

CG: ... FINE. BUT IF HE SAYS SOMETHING FUCKED UP AGAIN IM BLOCKING HIM PERMANENTLY.

CA: not like i care but wwatevver

TC: WhAt’S uP mY lItTlE mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClEs?

CG: OH GREAT. JUST WHAT WE NEEDED. A FUCKING CLOWN. WHY NOT?

TC: that gonna be a problem

TC: BROTHER?

GA: Karkat

CG: SIGH

CG: NO. NO IT WON’T

TC: honk HONK :o)

AG: hahahahahahahaha

AG: woooooooow even the freaks are still alive

GC: SP34K FOR YOURS3LF

GC: FR34K

AG: well fuck you too

CG: GET A POD FREAKS

CG: ALSO WHAT FUCKERY IS THIS? I THOUGHT YOU TWO WERE MOIRAILS

AG: thats none of your 8ussiness!!!!!!!!

GC: Y34H M1ND YOUR OWN BUS1N3SS K4RK4T >8]

AT: uH, IS THIS A GOOD TIME?

AG: go aheaaaaaaaad tavros, karkats just jealous he’s not in the spotlight anymore

AT: oKAY, UM,,, 

AT: hI EVERYONE 

AT: i’M GLAD YOU’RE ALL UH, ALIVE MAYBE

AT: }:)

GC: H3Y T4VROS

AT: yEAH?

GC: DO YOU ST1LL H4V3 YOUR W1NGS >:?

AT: UH,,, Y34H? WHY?

AG: oh my gooooooood how do they even fit in those shitty little pods?

AT: qUITE, UH, UNCOMFORTABLY REALLY }:(

AT: tHEY WEREN'T REALLY MADE WITH WINGS IN MIND, i DONT THINK,,,

AG: ahahahaha wow that's precious

TC: >:o(

AG: calm down you shitty clown i was just joking around!

AT: uH,,,

AC: :33 < *the mighty huntress pounces into the memo to gr33t her furiends

AC: :33< Hi everyone! I’m alive too

CT: D –> As am I

CT: D –>We all seem to be accounted for

CT: D –> all e%cept for...

TA: ju2t 2o you all know iim here too. Me and karkat are unfortunate enough two have b33n put on the 2ame 2hip

CG: FUCK YOU TOO

AG: Eeeeeeeeither way, I'm pretty sure Feferi won't be showing up anytime soon, so that's a 8ad 8reak. Otherwise I'm pretty sure we're all alive and accounted for

CC: acs)(aolly! I'm )(-----ER----E too!!! 38D

CG: WHAT

TA: holy 2hiit

GA: !

AT: wOW,

AG: Well geeeeeeee Feferi, it's a little too l8te for a suprise party, what took you so long?

CC: honestly, a party would be PR-ETTY GR-EAT rig)(t aboat now...

GC: ORD3R 1N TH3 COURT!!!

GC: L3TS NOT G3T 4H34D OF OURS3LV3S

GC: HOW DO W3 KNOW TH1S 1S 4CTU4LLY F3F3R1?

CC: 38O!!!

AG: Yeah! Who’s to say this isn’t some shitty trick? It's awfully convenient for you to drop in out of the nowhere like this. Sounds a little 8it suspicious if you ask me

CC: w)(ale... I guess you )(ave a point!

CA: guys. Calm the fuck dowwn. It’s not a trick

AG: oh shut it Eridan, you're just as suspicious

GA: Not To Burst Your Bubble Or Anything

CC: )(ee )(ee!

GA: but You’re Not Exactly The Most Reliable Source Eridan. Neither Are You Vriska

AG: >::::O!!!!!!!!

CC: sig)(... T)(at’s okray! it’s all probubbly for t)(e best t)(is way

CC: you’ll find out aboat it soon enoug)(

CC: i will get back to you all later. I’ve got some t)(ings i’ve got to take care of first anywaves! 

CC: Pc)(ooooo!!!!!!!

CG: NO WAIT

CG: FIND OUT ABOUT WHAT?

cutlefishCuller[CC] has logged off!

CG: WHAT THE HELL

CG: WE DON’T SEE FEFERI FOR SWEEPS AND YOU ALL CHASE HER OFF?

GC: K4RK4T P3RH4PS YOU H1T YOUR H34D WH1L3 YOU W3R3 B31NG CONSCR1PT3D

GC: D34D S34DW3LL3RS 4R3 TH3 3N3MY, R3M3MB3R?

CG: WHO IN THEIR GODAMNED PAN WOULD FUCK AROUND LIKE THIS INSTEAD OF STRAIGHT UP CULLING US?

TC: GoTtA gIvE iT tO tHe LiTtLe GrEy CuLlEe HeRe

TC: i DoNt SeE wHy SoMeBoDy WoUlD bE uP aNd DoInG sTuFf AlL bAcKwArDs LiKe ThAt

CA: that makes three of us wwith our pans on straight. I knoww I havvent been the most trustwworthy since wwe'vve last talked but you’vve got to believve me wwhen I say that really is fef

CA: she’s alivve and evverythin

GC: TH3 COURT S4YS P1CS OR 1T D1DNT H4PP3N

CA: cod damn it rezi i cant take “pics” because shes in a wwhole other ship. 

CA: on the other side of the univverse

CA: theres a reason she wwas missin for a wwhole fucking swweep

TA: can confiirm. 2he’2 on the conde2ce2 2hiip

CA: finally! Wwhat the shit took you so long?

TA: you liitterally a2ked me two hack the actual empre22e2 2hiip. that'2 not exactly a walk iin the fuckiing park a22hole

CG: WOAH WOAH WOAH WAIT, WHY THE FUCK IS SHE ON THE CONDESCES SHIP?

CA: relax fefs fine the Empress invvited her

CG: THAT MAKES IT WORSE DUMBASS

CA: kar if the she wwanted to kill fef she wwoulda done so wwhen fef arrived there last swweep

GC: 4ND WHY WOULD H3R 1MP3R1OUS COND3SC3NS1ON 1NV1T3 TH3 H31R3SS 1F SH3 D1DN'T W4NT TO CULL H3R?

CA: cuz wwe’re in big fuckin trouble is wwhy

CA: just shut up an let me explain

GC: YOU H4V3 F1V3 M1NUT3S

CA: cod fucking damn it rezi

CA: ok

CA: so the Empress needed fef’s help. Apparently it wwas urgent enough that she postponed the wwhole showw dowwn and called for fef to her aid.

CA: Fef didn’t explain evverythin to me, and frankly I don’t think I evven understand the half of it either but from wwhat i understand pretty much half the Alternian fleet has been wwiped out 

CG: WHAT

CG: LIKE THE ENTIRE FLEET JUST GOT WIPED OFF THE ASS OF THE UNIVERSE? LIKE, THE ACTUAL ALTERNIAN FLEET?

CA: yes kar

CA: the ACTUAL alternian fleet

CA: noww shut it an let me finish

AG: sounds like 8s to me

AA: funny en0ugh i agree. h0w w0uld the wh0le fleet just die like that?

CA: SHUT UP!

CA: but yeah not even the Empress saw it comin 

CA: its like it wwas some sort of mystery massacre. I hardly believe it myself but i dont think fef wwould lie about shit like this. 

CA: Condesce later found out it was cuz they wwent an invaded a planet they probably shouldnt have. some horrible planet in the middle a fuckin nowwhere. poured in half the alternian fleet and pissed the wwhole lot off. like wwe poked a bees nest an noww they wwanna cull us all

CG: WHO?

CA: dunno some sort of demon race I don’t got the name right noww. 

TA: accordiing two the 2tuff ii can fiind 2ome are calliing the2e guy2 “angel2“. The ruler2 they call “god2”. There are eiight of them. Are you turned on yet serket? 

AG: whatever 

GA: Angels. Named After An Ancient Monsterous Being If I’m Correct. How Fitting. 

CA: you can say that again

TA: more than half the data iim fiindiing ii2 2crambled up though. Iit’2 liike 2omeone triied culliing the conde2ce2 2hiip

CA: actually, they did try it from wwhat fef tells me. They managed to save the important parts but they’re having trouble keeping it alive. The rest of the army are keeping their distance until reinforcements arrivve. The reinforcements bein us. 

CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

CG: SO THEY’RE SENDING US OFF TO BE CULLED BY A BUNCH OF GODS?

CG: I KNEW THIS WAS TOO FUCKING GOOD TO BE TRUE

GA: That Does Begin To Explain A Few Things Though

GA: But Not Everything

GA: Is It Really That Desperate That They Didn’t Cull A Single Troll For Conscription?

CA: looks like it. Wwe’ll probably get more info later, this is just what i got from fef

CA: anywways. I’ll let fef knoww you’re not gonna make her fuck off the next time she’s coming on this memo

CA: thats assumin you all evven believve me in the first place

GC: I DONT THINK I WANT TO BUT WE PROBABLY SHOULD. ALSO TELL FEFERI WE’RE SORRY

CA: sure wwhatevver

CA: youre all fuckin wwelcome by the wway

caligulasAquarium[CA] is idle!

-

The rest of the memo goes by with a blur. You make a mental note of it to check in on Eridan in a little while. See how he's doing. Maybe, just maybe, you want to apologize for being such an ass. Things have been a little too tense between you too as of late, and right now maybe you should consider patching some things up between the two of you. Not because you miss him or anything. 

You check in every once in a while on the memo to be sure of everyone's situation. Terezi is on the same ship as Vriska. Gamzee is apparently also on your ship but naturally slotted into the highblood section. Equius is on a ship along with Kanaya (which even they find a little weird) and everyone else is on their own as far as you can tell. All limbs are accounted for, everyone is in the system and functional and everyone is _fine_. 

Digging around further on the tablet lets you know you’re all going to get the official information of the situation in the coming few nights, as well as get the chance to be officially sorted into your future ranks, but it’s not like it matters anymore. You’ve had hope and you had it ground under the heel of fate once more. 

This is going to be a long fucking conscription.


End file.
